where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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