I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
