life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
