I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
