Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
