Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
