Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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