My friends, they love my intelligence
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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