Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
