got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
