She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
