can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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