You just made me feel so damn special
My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
