I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
