My cat gives me a boner
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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