Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
