Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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