she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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