i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.