i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
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i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
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I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.