Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I need to calm my uterus...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
