I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
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if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
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spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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