its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
