I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
smell my finger.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
