What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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