Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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