I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
