happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
