Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
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all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
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There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs