I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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