Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
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we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
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I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked