i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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