The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
sex in a hospital.. check
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
