You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
