Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
