My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
