Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
