You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
