pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
