shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
That was before I lit my hair on fire
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
