I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
