I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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