hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
