i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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