He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
