i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
