he puts the penis in happiness.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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