Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Welp...herpes.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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