I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
