i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
