I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
