Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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