Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
