I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
