His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
