oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
