I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
