This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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