what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
someone owes me an orgasm
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
