Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
